Before you can ask if there's a metaphor in the house, Dr. Gregory House will oblige:
Have you guys heard any of my metaphors yet? Well come on, sit on grandpa's lap as I tell you how infections are criminals; immune system's the police. Seriously, Grumpy, get up here: it'll make us both happy.
(Dr. Gregory House in the "Mirror, Mirror" episode of House, M.D.)
Over the past several years, the names of a dozen writers have appeared in the credits to the Fox TV program House, M.D. Each, it appears, owns a well-thumbed copy of the Merck Manual of Medical Information. And by now all must be collaborating on a new edition of the Dictionary of Metaphors. As regular viewers are aware, the show's deeply disturbed protagonist (played by Hugh Laurie) is inclined to deliver inflammatory eructations of festering figures of speech.
Medical Metaphors
At times House relies on metaphors to translate complex medical conditions into language that his colleagues (and other "true idiots") can understand:
- Cervical lymph node is a garbage dump. Very small one--just one truck comes, and it only comes from one home. Al Gore would be appalled.
("97 Seconds") - Saying there appears to be some clotting is like saying there's a traffic jam ahead. Is it a ten-car pile up, or just a really slow bus in the center lane? And if it is a bus, is that bus thrombotic or embolic? I think I pushed the metaphor too far.
("Euphoria, Part 1") - Dr. House: You know, when the Inuit go fishing, they don't look for fish.
Dr. Wilson: Why, Dr. House?
Dr. House: They look for the blue heron, because there's no way to see the fish. But if there's fish, there's gonna be birds fishing. Now, if he's got hairy-cell, what else are we gonna see circling overhead?
("Role Model") - Dr. House: As far as you're concerned, the patient is Osama bin Laden, and everyone not in this room is Delta Force. Any questions?
Applicant #11: We're protecting Osama bin Laden?
Dr. House: It's a metaphor. Get used to it.
("The Right Stuff") - The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. Does that need more explanation? OK, the tumor is Al-Qaeda. We went in and wiped it out, but it had already sent out a splinter cell--a small team of low-level terrorists quietly living in some suburb of Buffalo, waiting to kill us all. . . . It was an excellent metaphor. Angio her brain for this clot before it straps on an explosive vest.
("Autopsy") - The liver is like a cruise ship taking in water. As it starts to sink, it sends out an SOS. Only instead of radio waves, it uses enzymes. The more enzymes in the blood, the worse the liver is. But once the ship has sunk, there's no more SOS. You think the liver's fine, but it's already at the bottom of the sea.
("Locked In") - Dr. Cameron: Idiopathic T-cell deficiency?
Dr. House: Idiopathic, from the Latin meaning we're idiots 'cause we can't figure out what's causing it. Give him a whole body scan.
Dr. Cameron: You hate whole body scans.
Dr. House: 'Cause they're useless. Could probably scan every one of us and find five different doodads that look like cancer. But, when you're fourth down, 100 to go, in the snow, you don't call a running play up the middle. Unless you're the Jets.
Dr. Cameron: I hate sports metaphors.
("Role Model")
But House is generally more intent on frightening than on edifying. As he once said, "The point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen than what will really happen. God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better" ("All In").
Concluded on page two
