Under the title "What You Can and What You Can't," this comic poem originally appeared in the anthology Such Nonsense! edited by Carolyn Wells (1918). The anonymous poet shows that when it comes to language, appearances can be deceiving: words that look similar to each other may have very different meanings.
False Relations
You cannot cure hams with a hammer,
You can't weigh a gram with a grammar,
Mend socks with a socket,
Build docks with a docket,
Nor gather up clams with a clamour.
You can't pick locks with a pickle,
You can't cure the sick with a sickle,
Pluck figs from a figment,
Drive pigs with a pigment,
Nor make your watch tick with a tickle.
You can't make a mate of your mater,
You can't get a crate from a crater,
Catch moles with a molar,
Bake rolls with a roller,
But you can get a wait from a waiter.
You cannot raise crops with a cropper,
You can't shave your chops with a chopper,
Break nags with a nagger,
Shoot stags with a stagger,
Nor pop to a girl with a popper.
You can't grow your beeves from the beaver,
You can't catch the heaves from a heaver,
Get grains from a grainer,
Draw strains from a strainer,
Nor cleave to your wife with a cleaver.
A bat can't be made out of batter,
A flat's not a thing that can flatter,
A pond does not ponder,
A wand will not wander,
And so that's the end of our patter.
