Drafting a Narrative Paragraph
After one or two false starts, the following draft grew out of the freewriting exercise on page one. Notice how this version of the student's DUI experience is more concise than the freewriting: the writer has eliminated several details that she felt distracted from her narrative and the point she was trying to make. As you read this draft, compare the student's revisions with the suggestions you made on how to focus the original material more clearly.
DUI (second draft)
One Saturday last June, just two days after my high school graduation, a night of celebration turned into a costly and embarrassing lesson on the dangers of drinking and driving. Out with a girlfriend for a wild night on the town, we made stops at such popular hangouts as Studebaker's, Baggy Drawers, and Night Lights, and at each of these spots I drank a margarita or two. (Yes, I had a fake ID.) I was giggly by 11:00, tipsy by midnight, and flat out soused by the time we shut the bars down at three. Of course, as I hollered farewells to my friends and poured myself into the car, I was dead certain that I was sober enough to drive home safely. With one eye shut to keep the road from blurring, I weaved down Monroe Avenue. One minute there was not a soul on the road in front of me, and the next--crash! I had plowed into the back of a big green Buick. When the police arrived--instantly, it seemed--they gave me a breath test even before asking to see my license. Naturally I registered drunk. After filling out pages of forms and checking to see that nobody was injured, the police took me to jail, where I was photographed, fingerprinted, and charged with driving under the influence of alcohol (DUI). I had to pay a $2,000 fine and attend driving school for three months. It was there, viewing gory films of accident victims with their bodies crunched under tires and heads wrapped inside bumpers, that I made a promise not to drink and drive ever again.
