By showing how one student turned an exercise in freewriting into a coherent draft, this article should help you compose your own narrative paragraph. To get the most out of this article, first read Getting Started With Freewriting.
Freewriting
Below is an edited transcript of a student's second effort at freewriting--a long and productive effort. After reading this rough report about driving under the influence of alcohol (DUI), try answering the questions that follow it. Then compare this early version of the narrative with the revised draft on the next page.
DUI (second freewriting)
It all started in June two days after I graduated from high school June 5. One of my best friends and I were getting all dolled up after being at the beach for the whole day to go out. We had primped for an hour and a half. We were ready we were ready for a night wild night on the town. And of course we both had fake IDs. We left her house about 6:30 made a few stops here and there. We went Studebaker's then Baggy Drawers to Night Lights for the rest of the evening dancing to the music. At every place I had a margarita or maybe two. Had such a good time laughing and dancing and singing out on the dance floor. I probably had six or seven drinks maybe more. Well my friend's boyfriend met us there with a couple of his friends--probably 12:00 or 1:00 now. I was tipsy all right. Well Night Lights called last call so that meant it was almost time to leave. We danced a last dance. My friend wanted to ride home with her boyfriend so I said I would drive home by myself. I wasn't too tipsy anymore. I mean I sobered up a great deal. Well I was on my way home listening to the radio, now it was pretty close to 3:00. I was remembering all the fun in the club when suddenly a car pulls out in front of me and I slam on my brakes to keep from hitting it. But it didn't help. We collided. Well I got out and inspected my car. The guy I hit got out and came over and asked if I was okay, and the police came after that. I couldn't find my insurance. I was lucky I could remember my name. And then the police asked if I'd been drinking. I almost freaked out. I said yes sir. I had been earlier but not now. So he said for me to come on and he would take me for a breath test. I did. I registered drunk! Really drunk. He took me down to the jailhouse. they took a picture and fingerprinted me. I had to call a bond company to bail me out. This was all new to me and I was crying and very upset. They bonded me out of jail. I could never have called my parents. At least that's what I thought anyway. I got home with my wrecked up car. My mom hit the roof but she was okay after a few days. Well then I got to court and had to pay a huge fine, like $2,000. I had to go to DUI school. That school taught me so much. It showed gross films with people's heads wrapped inside of bumpers and dead people all from drunk drivers. I also lost my license. This really taught me a lesson. I don't drink & drive any more. I even took a taxi home once. Drinking and driving = bad news.
Evaluation Questions
- The student has developed some good material here for a narrative paragraph--more than she will need. Begin to focus all this information by writing down what you think is the main point of the student's story.
- Go back through the student's freewriting, and identify what you think are the key details in it--details that the writer would probably include in a shorter, more sharply focused account of the same incident.
- What part(s) of the freewriting do you think the student should reduce or eliminate altogether when she comes to draft her shorter narrative paragraph?
- What particular items of description or information do you think the student needs to add when she drafts her shorter narrative paragraph?
Once you have evaluated the student's freewriting, compare this early version of the narrative with the revised draft on the next page.
