Now and then, when the lucubrations of linguists grow tedious and the cackles of language mavens turn painfully shrill, we slip across to the lighter side of language. Please join us.
- A Subjective Case
St. Peter was standing at the Pearly Gates watching an assistant check in new arrivals. The assistant had a roster and was calling out names as the spirits lined up.
"James Robertson," he read off, and a fellow said, "I'm him." Then he read "William Bumgarner," and another fellow said, "That's me." Then he read, "Gladys Humphreys," and a woman answered, "I am she."
St. Peter leaned over and whispered to his assistant, "Another damn schoolteacher."
(Loyal Jones and Billy Edd Wheeler, Curing the Cross-Eyed Mule: Appalachian Mountain Humor. August House, 1989) - The Long and the Short of It
"I am" is said to be the shortest sentence in the English language. The longest is "I do." - Contractual Obligations
A pregnant woman went into labor and began to yell, "Couldn't! Wouldn't! Shouldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
She was having contractions.
(Garrison Keillor, A Prairie Home Companion, February 3, 2007) - The Department of Pleonasms and Redundancies
I needed a new beginning, so I decided to pay a social visit to a personal friend with whom I share the same mutual objectives and who is one of the most unique individuals I have ever personally met. The end result was an unexpected surprise. When I reiterated again to her the fact that I needed a fresh start, she said I was exactly right; and, as an added plus, she came up with a final solution that was absolutely perfect.
Based on her past experience, she felt we needed to join together in a common bond for a combined total of twenty-four hours a day, in order to find some new initiatives. What a novel innovation! And, as an extra bonus, she presented me with the free gift of a tuna fish. Right away I noticed an immediate positive improvement. And although my recovery is not totally complete, the sum total is I feel much better now knowing I am not uniquely alone.
(George Carlin, "Count the Superfluous Redundant Pleonastic Tautologies." When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? Hyperion, 2004) - A Superlative Comparative
In one of his shows, [Jack Benny] and his guest star Vincent Price drank some freshly brewed coffee. After savoring a sip, Benny announced, "This is the better coffee I ever tasted."
Price snapped, "You mean the best coffee!"
Benny snapped back, "There's only two of us drinking it!"
(Ken Tucker, Kissing Bill O'Reilly, Roasting Miss Piggy: 100 Things to Love and Hate About TV. Macmillan, 2005) - Throw Grammar From the Train
A boy answers the phone. The caller asks, "Where are your parents?"
"They ain't here!"
"Come on, son. Where's your grammar?"
"My gramma ain't here neither. She's gone to church!" - Linguistic In-Joke
Q: Two linguists walk into a bar. Which of them was the specialist in deictic and anaphoric discourse referent resolution strategies?
A: The other one.
(Dr. Susannah Kirby, Presidential Post-Doctoral Teaching & Research Fellow at the University of British Columbia) - Good Grammar
And another thing: I've noticed a good deal, and there's no bird, or cow, or anything that uses as good grammar as a blue-jay. You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does--but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use. Now I've never heard a jay use bad grammar but very seldom; and when they do, they are as ashamed as a human; they shut right down and leave.
(Mark Twain, A Tramp Abroad, 1880) - Paronomastic Job-Application Letter
Dear Sir or Madam or Sodom or Whom It May Confirm:
I understand you are hiring programmers and hereby present my amplification for annoyment by your firm. As you see, I see, juicy lucy goosy poosy, I have long expedience in grammar and was medicated in the best schools and my dram is to ride underwear. On my clothes is my consomme. Please feel free.
I remain your humble serpent.
("James Joyce Business School," A Prairie Home Companion, March 4, 2000) - Good Tenses Make Good Neighbors
I don't know a lot about grammar. For example, I get mixed up on lay or lie. The other day, one of my old hens cackled, and I didn't know whether she had laid or lied.
(Loyal Jones and Billy Edd Wheeler, More Laughter in Appalachia. August House, 1995) - Soft Language
American English is packed with euphemism, because Americans have trouble dealing with reality, and in order to shield themselves from it they use soft language. And somehow it gets worse with every generation. . . .
At some point in my life, the following changes occurred:
toilet paper = bathroom tissue
sneakers = running shoes
false teeth = dental appliances
medicine = medication
information = directory assistance
the dump = the landfill
motels = motor lodges
house trailers = mobile homes
used cars = previously owned vehicles
room service = guest room dining
riot = civil disorder
strike = job action
zoo = wildlife park
jungle = rain forest
swamp = wetlands
glasses = prescription eyewear
garage = parking structure
drug addiction = substance abuse
soap opera = daytime drama
gambling joint = gaming resort
prostitute = sex worker
theater = performing arts center
wife beating = domestic violence
constipation = occasional irregularity
(George Carlin, "Euphemistic Bullshit." Napalm & Silly Putty. Hyperion, 2001) - Presidential Euphemisms
Presidentialese is a curious dialect of higher-education speak. Over the past decade, we have had the pleasure of working with hundreds of college presidents, and have become fairly fluent. It is worth noting that no one is born with the ability to speak presidentialese; there are no "native speakers." But after a time in office, presidents may actually think in presidentialese, rarely translating into plain English. . . .
The Later Years
I'm trying to enhance my national visibility.
I'll take any excuse to get off campus once a week.
No president who tries to provide real leadership can avoid making enemies.
The faculty hates my guts.
Clearly, the board really didn't want the kind of change they said they did.
I'm losing the support of the board.
Exit, Stage Right
I'm thinking of looking around.
I'd kill to get out of here.
I've really accomplished everything I've set out to do here.
The board chairman told me to start looking around.
I need a new challenge.
I need a new job--I've been fired.
(Richard Chait and Madeleine Green, "Parlez-vous Presidentialese?" Hail to Thee Okoboji U!: A Humor Anthology on Higher Education, ed. Mark Ebersole. Fordham Univ. Press, 1992)
More From the Lighter Side of Language:
Comments