Season's Gratings: Composing A Holiday Newsletter

Sooner or later it will show up in your mailbox, printed on Santa stationery neatly folded into an origami bell: the first family newsletter of the season.

Whether you respond with a smile or a sigh, a gasp or a groan, will depend on a number of factors, not least of which is your tolerance for exclamation points and second-hand good cheer. Is a holiday newsletter a jolly way of staying in touch with now distant friends? Or an impersonal exercise in soppy self-promotion?

Whatever your sentiments, this newsletter will certainly challenge them. It's from your brave friend Jocelyn Dunbar, writing on behalf of husband Clifford and children Kevin, Jacki, Kyle, and Khe Sahn:

Many of you, our friends and family, are probably taken aback by this, our annual holiday newsletter. You've read of our recent tragedy in the newspapers and were no doubt thinking that, what with all of their sudden legal woes and "hassles," the Dunbar clan might just stick their heads in the sand and avoid this upcoming holiday season altogether!!

You're saying, "There's no way the Dunbar family can grieve their terrible loss and carry on the traditions of the season. No family is that strong," you're thinking to yourselves.

Well, think again!!!!!!!!!!!

Except for the exclamations and cliches, the Dunbars' holiday letter promises to be disturbingly unconventional--and so we read on. For once, a family newsletter does not disappoint. Bleak, offensive, and perversely amusing, "Season's Greetings to Our Friends and Family!!!" is anything but boring.

One of six short pieces in the David Sedaris collection Holidays on Ice (Little, Brown and Company, 1997), Jocelyn's letter manages to avoid the number one fault of such compositions: endless, mind-numbing bragging. Perhaps that's because the Dunbar family has so little left to brag about.

We share Jocelyn's surprise at finding out that during a stint in Vietnam Clifford "accidentally planted the seeds for Khe Sahn." Wearing "nothing but a pair of hot pants and a glorified sports bra," Khe Sahn arrived at the Dunbar house "speaking only the words 'Daddy,' 'Shiny,' and 'Five dollar now.'"

We hear about son Kyle, who "keeps to himself, spending many hours in his bedroom, where he burns incense, listens to music, and carves gnomes out of soap." And we learn that Jackelyn has had a baby, named Satan Speaks--one "prone to hideous rashes, a twenty-four-hour round-the-clock screamer."

If you're looking for something dark and humorous to help you feel better about your own quirky family, read David Sedaris. But if instead you'd like some advice on how to compose a family letter that friends will read and enjoy, consider our Tips for Composing a Holiday Newsletter.

Image: Holidays on Ice: Stories, by David Sedaris (Little, Brown and Company, 1997)