Don't "Quote" Me!

The widespread "abuse" of quotation marks has now reached "epidemic proportions": clearly it's time for "the Grammar Police" to "swing into action"!

How many of the quotation marks in that sentence do we actually need? The answer, of course, is none. Or as some folks would insist on writing it, "none."

The guidelines for using quotation marks are really quite simple, if not always entirely logical. True, if you're heading off for Britain, you should be prepared to check your quotes at customs: the Brits favor single quotes over double, and they generally prefer to park commas outside rather than inside the closing mark.

But the issue is not "punctuation and multiculturalism." Rather, it's the near-hysterical proliferation of those little buggers we call (please, somebody stop me) "quotation marks."

Consider, for instance, this sign found taped above an office water fountain: "This is 'NOT' a garbage disposal!" Or this automated e-mail reply from a comparison-shopping site: "Just responding to let you know that a 'human' reads each and every comment to BizRate.com!"

At first blush, the needless marks around "NOT" and "human" appear to illustrate the most innocent (and only mildly annoying) kind of quote abuse: using quotation marks for emphasis.

Then again, perhaps I'm being simple minded. Could that first sign have been some sort of post-surrealistic plumber's allusion to Rene Magritte: "Ceci n’est pas une pipe"? And I'm not so sure about that quoted "human" either. After all, what kind of "human" would generate an automated e-mail response? It reminds me of a rather creepy sign found on a supermarket service counter: "If you need help finding something, one of our 'friendly' associates will be happy to help you."

Genuine doubts are raised by such wayward quotations--even deep suspicions. This form of quote abuse calls into question the value--or even the very existence--of the thing being quoted. Like this skeptical sign at the mall: "Have your picture taken with 'Santa.'" As if "Santa" might be a familiar alias for the Westport Zodiac Serial Killer.

But of all the forms of quote abuse, the worst is surely the sarcastic or downright derisive quote. The leering or homophobic quotes around "the close friend" of a well-known actor; the sneering quotes around "liberal" or "highly educated"; the snotty quotes around just about any cliche--quotes that say, in effect, "I'm way too smart to use cliches--and way too lazy to say anything original."

Don't "quote me" on this, but you could help stamp out "quote abuse" in "our fair land": stick to our trusty guidelines for using quotation marks.